Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
