im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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