i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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