My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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