Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
People in love make me want to vomit
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
