I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
