Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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