I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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