I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
