I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
