Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
