I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
