i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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