Don't you send me to vm
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
