the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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