you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
