Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
