dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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