Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
