If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
