The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
