Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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