i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
