The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
