Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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