he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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