I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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