Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
