My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
