shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
