What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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