I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
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I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
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Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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