i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
