Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?