Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
