Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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