Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
