One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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