I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
