I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
