Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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