I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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