Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
