this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
