Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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