If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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