life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
