everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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