The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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