she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
