I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
