He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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