Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
