new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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