His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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