Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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